Get Over Your Breakup

with

Self-Esteem

Picture of hands on heart. Feature image for Self-Esteem - Practical Breakup Tools. Coach G

Our self-esteem is a reflex of thoughts (beliefs and opinions) we hold about ourselves.

When our self-esteem is compromised as a result of the experiences we have throughout our lives, particularly after a breakup, we tend to see ourselves, the world, and our future more negatively and critically. In this case, when you encounter challenges, you doubt whether you will be able to rise to them, and you might avoid them.

You might talk to yourself harshly in your mind, such as telling yourself “I’m stupid”, “I’ll never manage this”, “I’m unlovable”, or “I don’t amount to anything”, etc. As a result you might feel anxious, sad, low, or unmotivated and consequently act in ways that, in turn, will reinforce these beliefs. Therefore, in order to care for ourselves it is as important to pay attention to our self talk (thoughts about ourselves) as well as our behaviours.

When we have healthy self-esteem we know we are valuable and will be able to name at least some positive characteristics such as: “I’m a good friend”, I’m lovable”, “I’m honest”, “I’m kind”, “I’m a good professional”, “I’m a good mother/father”, “I can do this”, etc. The beliefs and evaluations people hold about themselves affects what they believe they can do and what they can become.

These powerful, inner influences provide an internal guiding mechanism, steering and nurturing individuals through life, and governing their behaviour.

With breakups being a life event that affects our self-esteem deeply, it is vital to look after ourselves kindly and mindfully now more than ever!

There are several ways in which you can improve your self-esteem, here I have selected two techniques that you can use together with DRDT – Daily Diary of Dysfunctional Thoughts in the Section Acknowledge your Feelings, and these exercises can help improve your self-esteem and consequently help you make healthier choices of behaviours.

Coping Cards and Cognitive Cue Cards can help you with those “heat of the moment” reactions:

  • Coping Cards give you alternative things to do “in the moment”
  • Cognitive Cue Cards help you with how you think, hopefully providing you with a healthier set of coping mechanisms.

I created examples for both coping and cognitive cue cards you can use/adapt to suit your circumstances:

Coping Cards

Example:

When I am tempted to Binge Drink (unhealthy and/or undesired behaviour),

I can (healthier, alternative behaviour/coping skills):

  1. Go for a run
  2. Practice Mindfulness
  3. Journal my feelings

Create Your Own:

When I am tempted to __________ (unhealthy and/or undesired behaviour),

I can (healthier, alternative behaviour/coping skills):

  1. _______________
  2. _______________
  3. _______________

Cognitive Cue Cards

Example:

Just because I miss him/her (trigger),

Doesn’t mean I have to contact him/her. (stressful response / critical message).

I know it’s difficult but possible to live without him/her is true

because not only I have gone without contact from him/her but I also have lived without this person in my life before.

Create Your Own:

Just because ___________________ (trigger),

Doesn’t mean ___________________. (stressful response / critical message).

I know __________________________________________________ is true

because _____________________________________________________________________.

Suggestion:

Loving-Kindness Mindfulness

Wishing you a kind recovery.

Yours,

G

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